halfdead

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

each prayer accepted, each wish resigned...

(no subject)
halfdead
willows69
A year ago today my piece of shit ex beat me and held me there against my will, using my phone as hostage. I didn’t call the police. She told me if I did that she will tell them that I was hitting her too. She hit herself and gave herself a huge bruise on her left arm. I didn’t tell anyone except on of my best friends. It was then that I should have realized that she had been controlling me through fear all those years.

It’s been a year and it now feels me with such fucking rage. I swept it under the rug just like every other thing. I was the fuck up. It was always my fault. She was perfect and I just had to be up to her standards and then she would love me unconditionally.

For years I had stopped loving myself in hopes that the love I craved from her would fill that gaping hole. But it wouldn’t. It couldn’t. And there was no escape.

Abusive relationships are usually nicely disguised. I buried it so deep undercover that no one believed me other than those I secretly confided in even though I wouldn’t give the full story.

I was alienated from my family. Fed to believe that they were against me. That they didn’t deserve my presence. I couldn’t go out with my friends without accusations of neglect and texts or calls every half hour. I was put down for my weight and was told my stomach was a turn off. My money was managed and controlled by her. Money ended up giving me so much anxiety that when she told me I had to control my own finances (after arguments that I couldn’t have money to spend on food, clothes, and necessities without her approval) I would fold because it became evident that I didn’t even know when bills where due and what accounts we actually had. I was then made to feel that I was incompetent and a bad partner for forcing her to be in control of all the money. I left a good job in downtown Los Angeles for our marriage and to start a family. It was agreed that if I took a part time job and got paid 600 every two weeks then that would be enough for us to get by. I was then ridiculed and told to make more money whenever she was stressed that we didn’t have enough. Or she would bitch about me not going back to school.

I was faithful. I was supportive. I was loyal. Until a light glimmered in another direction that wasn’t her. I was courted and romanced by someone else that reminded me of how good it felt to be wanted. To be desired. To be smart and funny. To not be hurt. I was brought back to life without realizing I was walking through that fire.

My decisions lead me on a path away from my abusive marriage. It took every ounce of strength I had to do it. And even then I was still holding on. Even then I fought so hard to keep the dream of us growing old together with our full family alive. It makes me sick to think of it now. How much I’ve sacrificed and how much more I was willing to.

I never loved like that before. I don’t ever want to love like that agin.
If you are in an abusive relationship, please know you aren’t alone. There are others right beside you fighting the same battle. And as hard as it is to let go. As hard of a sacrifice it is. You need to break free. At whatever cost. Break free and live.

(no subject)
halfdead
willows69
I wish I could talk with her. I wish we could sit and actually talk.

I've been at war with myself emotionally. And it's so tiring. I can't stop crying. Every time I have moment to myself all I do is cry. Maybe that's a good thing. I've been so emotionally numb for months. And it's all catching up to me now.

Alex, one of my best friends, has been so insightful and good to me. Last night we went bowling and she gave me some bath salts and a deck of empowerment cards. I guess they are like oracle cards but geared to empowerments. I pulled my first card last night when I got to my apartment and it was Faith.

"Today I will take a leap of faith and spread my wings. I will shine the light from within and know my strength. For I am not alone. A greater power than me is by my side. I will ask and receive. The still small voice that I have been waiting to hear will come and guide me."

I know better than to force things. I need to follow my path as I've always done. I'm so blessed. I need to cherish that and remember that even when my world is being tossed and turned upside down.

I will have faith.
Always.

We'll see...
halfdead
willows69
The universe has a way of placing things on your doorstep exactly when you need them. I've been having odd dreams lately. Wanting things so bad that I'm having crazy scenario dreams.

All I can do is hope. Wish. Love. and find solace in that. Surrounding myself with white white light full of nurturing and protective energies. <3 <3 <3 Soon we'll see... Blessed be.

That Dark Hole
halfdead
willows69

I have moments where I look at the puzzle of my past and try to piece things together to make them fit. I think back to times I was wronged. Times that I wronged. And try to contemplate how the hell I came out of it.

Often I'm ashamed. Christina is a regret. That boy that only wanted a girlfriend is a regret. Not standing up for what is right is a major regret.

How do I change the past? How do I mend hearts? Is being tormented by my regret my punishment?

How do I let it go?


A pretty heavy update.
halfdead
willows69

A couple of weeks ago a close friend of mine asked me if I'd adopt her baby if she were indeed pregnant. I was so moved.. So overwhelmed. I was happy, afraid, astounded. I thanked her and said of course! That I'd just have to talk to Michelle about it because we've always wanted to adopt eventually but I wasn't sure if Michelle would be okay with adopting with someone we're close too.

I talked to Michelle and like me she cried and said yes. I relayed the info to my friend and she said that she was worried because her boyfriend was talking about getting an abortion if she was. And that if she decided to go through with the pregnancy then they'll have to keep it then because he wasn't cool with anyone else raising his child (or something like that- he didn't want the baby to think he/she was abandoned). She said it was a touchy subject and is trying to figure it out.

I was crushed. I told Michelle. She was crushed. She said fuck it. Let's not even think of it anymore. She was so full of emotion and disappointment. We felt we were so close.. Yet so damn far. In the same week no less. I calmed her, as I always do. Assured her that we don't have a set answer yet either way and we just need patience and support. Whatever is meant to be will be. I discussed with my friends and assured her that whether we adopt or she keeps the baby- one of us will be the doting aunt.

I understand how difficult this is for her. She says she's not ready to be a parent. That they aren't ready. Yet there's this life growing inside her.. and maybe it's a sign that it's time to do something more important than she ever dreamed with her life that she was searching for meaning for. Maybe this growing being inside her is the answer. I understand.

Though I'm crushed. She posted the picture she sent me of her baby bump on Facebook. Everyone knows now. They are all congratulating her. I was stunned.. I felt obligated to like the post. Thus is so hard. And it's not her fault. No one understand the torment we go through. The pain. That glimmer of hope was to hard to handle during what seems to be of the aftermath.

I just had to share this. I haven't spoken about it and it's just been eating at me. My friend can read this post (though I'm not sure how often she uses LJ anymore). If you read this please know I love and support you. You are an amazing human being. I'll be there for you til the very last step.

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(no subject)
halfdead
willows69

After all the evil people I've run through from the very start of my young life you would think that I wouldn't be surprised when a new one rears it's ugly head.

Have to learn to be strong.
Have to learn to be on guard.
Have to learn to be prepared.
Have to learn to be ready.

When will we learn?


Post from. 3 weeks ago that never posted
halfdead
willows69

Daylight savings time change hasn't been my friend. I've woken up two times already pretty damn late. Once 15 minutes before I had to leave the house and this morning 5 minutes before I had to leave the house. I got to get my shot in order. For real.

And I think that May be why I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed with a mutual friend of mine that keeps complaining about her 5 year old daughter. How she can't get anything done so she decides to vent about it all day on Facebook. Maybe if she were off Facebook she's get some damn work done. Poor kid.

And I'm annoyed with people that are so ungrateful. They complain about not having any friends but make no effort at spending time with those that have been and can continue to be a good influence in their lives. They bitch about "haters" and dumb ass drama that could have been avoided if they would just rip their heads out of their asses.

I guess that's the gist of it. Shell and I have been cleaning up and making plans to make the house even prettier. We rearranged the sectional and coffee table in the family room so it looks pretty cool and roomy. We're getting rid of some more stuff and organizing things. Grandpa is happy about it. He's going to the docs today to see about his ankle, it's been bothering him. God I love that man. It's amazing to have this good hearted human being that's 93 years old to talk to about anything.

Okay, off to be productive at work. Maybe down a couple of more mugs of coffee. I'm so tired!


(no subject)
halfdead
willows69

I am beyond upset. What gives someone the right to arrange a fight? To promote physical violence. To stand there and say, "let them fight!"? To grab someone that is trying to keep the so mother fucking hard peace? To be coward enough to pounce on someone when they fell and are already on the ground, not able to properly defend themselves? What kind of fucking person does this? Last night I showed major restraint. I'm an adult. I work through my emotions and I understand consequences. I understand that there may be conflicts on my life but never anything which would lead me straight to physical violence unless It was protecting myself or someone I love. Last night I saw the side of a person that I never thought I would ever see. I feel dumbfounded. Helpless. Sickened. This raw fucking RAGE. YET I LET THAT BITCH GO! I could have looked her in the eyes and said here's that motherfucking fight you wanted and bashed her face in- but I didn't. I fucking didn't. JB needed stitches. It's 2 days away from his birthday. Vanity aside I am happy that he is still here. I am happy that the phone call from Liann didn't say that my little brother was dead. I am praying that this won't make him throw away the strong and thoughtful man that he is. Injustice is our kryptonite. But we are strong enough to overcome. We always have.

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Mommy
halfdead
willows69

Staring at my eyes
I see your light
The gleam of hope
The glisten of compassion
Deepened by the trials of the past
Softened by the glow of love

I see you, mom.
I see you.

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(no subject)
halfdead
willows69

Raindrops are falling
And it feels so good to be alive.

<3

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